Session 1 Friendship * Session 2 Communication
Session 2 Greg & Kathy Moore
Conflict Resolution
- Conflict is not a bad thing. Conflict is neutral; we can use it to do good, we can use it to harm eachother. Conflict handled well actually can promote intimacy. When we work to avoid conflict and keep the peace at all costs, the cost is often a lack of authenticity, which leads to a lack of closeness.
- Commit to deal with your difference with appreciation and grace. In working together, you can create a solution or make a discussion that is better than either one of your would have come up with on your own.
- Refuse to see the difference as right or wrong.
- The differences are a gift and part of God’s plan for you – they reveal and change our hearts.
- Change begins when we see differences as grace rather than obstructions of grace.
- Externalize the problem. The problem is the problem, you are a team working to solve the problem. Remember the other person is not the problem and nether are you. The problem is the problem.
- Slow to anger.
Discuss conflicts in a constructive way
- Use reflective listening to make sure you are both heard.
- State the issue
- Make three statements: I think, I feel, I want
- The other person listens, repeats, then asks, did I get that right?
- Now the other person has a turn being the speaker
- Look for what your partner says that you can agree with – there’s usually something.
- Only move to problem solving after you both feel understood
- Then develop possible solution to try.
- Benefits of slowing down the conversation
- More response, less reaction.
- Sometimes just having our point of view heart is enough to prevent conflict.
- Active listening prevents us from using that time to plan our response
- Make the other person feel cared for.
It is both common and normal for couples to have disagreements or conflicts. The important factor is how constructively couples resolve their differences, either by instituting mutually acceptable behavior changes or by deciding that aspects of their differences are unchangeable but acceptable.
In distressed relationships, there tends to be a gender difference in the ways that partners deal with relationship conflict: women more commonly engage their partners with verbally demanding behavior when conflict occurs, whereas men more commonly avoid their partners or withdraw when conflict occurs
Normally, when you encounter a stressful and threatening situation, your body reacts in a way that helps you to deal with the danger. Your body temporarily shuts down non-essential systems, channels blood flow to your large muscles, creates extra fuel for energy, heightens your sensitivity to signs of danger and releases hormones that help you deal with stress.
Normally, this “fight-or-flight” response works well when we have to fight off an attacker, escape from a burning house, or perform a miraculous feat of strength. The problem is that it also impairs our ability to process information and to think clearly before we speak—exactly the abilities we need to have in order to work through difficult areas of disagreement with our spouse.
John Gottman has a vivid word for this physiological “fight-or-flight” reaction. He calls it “flooding.” Flooding occurs when you and your spouse get into hostile arguments where the Four Horseman (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) are allowed free reign in your relationship.
When we become flooded, we operate mainly from a self-preservation mindset. We seek mainly to protect ourselves from the turmoil of an escalating argument, either by becoming aggressive (verbally or physically) or by trying to get away.
Some signs that you may be flooding:- Raised Voice
- Fast breathing
- Tight chest or stomach
- Rapid heart beat
- Clenched fists
What is the big deal about flooding? Why is in not helpful? In distressed marriages, we commonly find habitual harsh startups by the wife combined with frequent flooding and subsequent stonewalling by the husband. It becomes a cycle because the more the husband withdraws and avoids his wife, the more frustrated and resentful she becomes.
Sometimes; usually the male will require a time out. Not to run away from the situation, but to calm themselves.
- Person flooding calls a time out.
- Have thought through methods of calming down ahead of time; reading, listening to music, praying, a hot bath, a walk around the block.
- Set a time to reconnect, usually only 20 minutes is enough for stress hormones to quit impacting your thinking. Life may have continued such as kids got home from school, just make sure you do not just let it go. The problems needs to be readdressed.
- The person who called the time out is responsible for reinitiating the conversation. Its not up to the other person to say for example are you calm and ready to talk about this!? This would often bring that anger right back.
- May not be used to avoid or stonewall.
- Time out can also be used if situations change like kids coming home from school but always try to suggest a time that would be better like after they go to bed.
60% of conflicts are not resolvable, because they represent deeply held values or dreams. Take this in account when going to battle. Think how much something could mean to your spouse. Is it really worth us causing a stink? Could we let this one go? Make sure we aren’t always taking the bad deal we will become resentful, but there are many times when compromise and taking one for the team is necessary.
- Learn the art of compromise. Adopt a mindset that each of you have dreams and interests that need to be honored. You can find creative win-win solutions if you stop allowing your fear to be your dominant motivator. I know what some people might be thinking: “I’m not afraid. I’m just mad.” But if you really stop and think about it, fear is usually at the root of what keeps people from moving out of their polarized positions—fear of losing face, fear of losing self, fear of beng used, fear of getting hurt, etc.
- Learn to accept your differences and not be threatened by them. A good deal of your conflicts may arise because of how you view your differences. Conflicts rooted in personality and life experiences are not likely to go away anytime soon. It is best to learn to accept each other and focus on positives and strengths than to be pre-occupied over annoying habits or dissimilar interests.
- Make requests instead of demands. Requests are respectful and open the floor for discussion. Demands will usually just intensify a power struggle.
- Begin to recognize the vicious cycle that you both co-create and take ownership of your part in that cycle. Change the cycle by interrupting it, that is, by not giving your usual response, or by stepping back and doing something different. Often this is the very opposite of what you feel like doing in the moment.
Brainstorming Technique
- Define the problem
- Each identify how they contribute to the problem
- Brainstorm potential solutions without criticizing or editing their ideas.
- Discuss possible solutions and agree on one or more to experiment with
- Reevaluate and decide if another solution should be tried.
Scripture to help
James 1:19-20.
Listening and Doing
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Proverbs 12:16
16 Fools show their annoyance at once,
but the prudent overlook an insult.Proverbs 15:4
4 The soothing tongue is a tree of life,
but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.
Extraordinary Jeni 