Fight Fair! #1

A Game Without Rules

Conflict is a part of the true game of Life, and refusing to play is simply not an option. Differences in personality and temperament, multiple time demands, limited resources, and the sheer insanity of modern life all conspire to create disagreements between partners. In marriage, conflict simple can’t be avoided; the goal, then, is to learn to play the game as pleasantly and productivity as possible.

In boxing there was finally rules put in place, and referee’s  so that the rules were followed. We are not so lucky to have referees to supervise our personal conflicts, we have to serve as our own referees. We have to set a set of rules, but success in conflict requires more than a set of rules. It depends even more on the attitudes you bring to the game: humility, generosity gentleness, and a genuine desire to work things out.  If you want to be stubborn or punish your mate, you will. and nothing can change that but you.

Where conflicts Come from

Probably not where you think. Most couples tend to put the blame for conflicts on topics of disagreements.

• Finances
• parenting decisions
• in-law relationships
• sex
• power and authority
• work demands
• scheduling and priorities
• use of leisure time
• personal habits
• household responsibilities

Most couples have found out that the heated disagreement can erupt over the most mundane and unexpected topics.

Much is written today about uninvolved parents, passive husbands, and irresponsible wives. But there’s another problem that challenges marriage today…. the exact opposite. They put their kids first, job first the church first – they put everything first ahead of their own marriage,

When you and your mate take time to be together, when you make a practice of encouraging and supporting each other, there is a confidence in the relationship that forms a buffer  against misunderstanding and miscommunication.

• I’m confident of your love for me, even if you haven’t told me lately.
• I know your trying even when it doesn’t show.
• i know you mean well, even when it comes out wrong.
• I think the best of you, even when you fail.
• I trust you, even when I’m not there.

When you firmly believe – when you really feel 0 that your mate loves, values, and respects you, its easier to overlook the minor over sights and annoyances that dot the landscape of married life.

When there isn’t time or energy to discuss your hurts and misunderstandings, a sense of hopelessness begins to grow. It’s easier to simply withdraw. It takes time, energy, and patience to learn what makes your mate feel loved and encouraged.

 

Clouds of confusion

1. The “What happened” Conversation. Who said what, and who did what? Who’s right, who meant what, and who’s to blame?

2. The feelings Conversation: Are my feelings valid? Appropriate? What do I do about the other person’s feelings? What if he is angry or hurt?

3. The Identity Conversation: Am I competent or incompetent? Am I a good person or bad? Am I worthy of love or unloveable.

We argue about the facts, but we oddest seem to get anywhere; thats because the disagreement isn’t really about facts at all but about the hurt feelings underneath.

Communication and Conflict Resolution

Session 1 Friendship *

Session 2 with Greg and Kathy Moore

Communication and Conflict Resolution

Last session we learned about our marriage is a friendship and we need to make our relationship a priority. This session we learn that conflict is not always bad in your relationship as long as you are responding instead of that quick reaction that tends to lead to a fight. Being friends in the midst of an argument may cause to be a skill some do not have.

Obstacles to effective Communication – reacting instead of responding

When we get conflict presented to us, most of our first response is …well you did blank… passing the blame off of you instead of really listening to what the person with the problem is saying. There are many other obstacles we deal with when a conflict arises. Here are a few more.

• Harsh Start ups vs Soft Start Ups: Soft start-ups being with something positive, express gratitude and start with the word “I” instead of “You.” Complaints are presented in a hopeful, helpful way so that problems can be resolved, not debated.
• Distractions: The televison, the interenet, children and other activites. When you are talking especially during a conflict you need to give them the respect they deserve and stop everything you are doing and listen to them.
• Stockpiling: this is kind of like vomiting all your problems and concerns on your spouse in one quick moment. Past hurts and unresolved problems are heaped on the current issue. Adding on many unresolved issues from the past will get the discussion off track and nothing will get resolved.
• Hot Buttons from previous events, families of origin, previous relationships, temperaments.
• Different styles of communication: Dr. Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Dr. John Gottman can predict with 96% accuracy within the first three minutes of a couple having a conversation whether the relationship he is watching will survive over the long-haul or not. He bases his predictions on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms: (1) harsh startup, (2) the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, (3) flooding, and (4) body language.

The Four Horsemen are a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.

The first horseman in a relationship is criticism. Criticizing our partner is different than offering a critique or having a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former attacks our partner at the core. In effect, we are dismantling his or her whole being when we criticize.

Example: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other” is a complaint. “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful; you just don’t think about me” is a criticism. 

The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate from this state, we are being mean, treating others with disrespect by using sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The partner feels despised and worthless. Contempt is toxic and cannot be replaced with anything. It must be eliminated.

• Insults and name-calling.
• Hostile Humor – using contemptuous jokes or stories.
• Mockery – the subtle put-down.
• Negative Body Language such as sneering and rolling your eyes.

The third horseman is defensiveness. This is an easy one to fall into. We feel accused of something and think that, if we tell our partner our excuse for doing what we did, he or she will back off. But the excuse just tells our partner that we haven’t considered anything he or she has said. Basically, by defending ourselves we are ignoring our partner.

• Denying responsibility
• Blaming: We tend to blame ourselves or our spouse. This blame game doesn’t fix the problems, just makes excuses for the conflict. Put the blaming aside and fix the real problem.
• Making excuses
• Mind Reading: Mind-reading shows up when one person says they know what you’re thinking. If you start to argue about what they think you’re thinking, the whole thing spirals out of control. “You think I’m lying. Well… I’m not.” They may not be thinking that at all. This can also go both ways with you thinking you know what they think or that they would know what you want without telling them.
• Cross-complaining: meet partner’s complaint with one of your own, ignoring what your partner said.
• rubberman/rubberwoman: defend self from attack and attack partner back.
•  yes-butting 
• repeating yourself: repeat your own position rather than trying to understand your partner.
• whining: high pitched nasal tone.
• body language: arms folded across chest. Touching the neck

The fourth horseman is stonewalling. We stop responding even defensively. Often the stonewaller thinks they are trying to be neutral. This is the most damaging of the horsemen.

• Turning out: Making sure we do not make eye contact or connect with the person.
• Being busy: When we start doing something else while the conversation is in swing. Like cleaning is typical for woman I think. Or watching tv for men. Anything to not have to listen to them anymore. 
• Leave the room: Some people just need to get away or process the information coming at them so they do not blow up or flood. 

EAR

Essentials of Good Communication

1. Empathy: try to see the other person’s eyes. Find some truth i what they other person said, acknowledge what they are thinking and what he might be feeling.
2. Assertiveness: express your feelings directly using, “I feel” statements that are tactful.
3. Respect: an attitude of kindess and caring that values the other person.

The Five Secrets of Effective Communication

• Disarming Technique: is to find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair.
• Empathy: Thought empathy is to paraphrase the other person’s words. Feel empathy by acknowledging how the other person is probably feeling,
• Inquiry: ask gentle questions to learn more about what the person is thinking and feeling; such as Tell me more or Did I get that right? after you paraphrase. 
• “I feel” Statements: instead of “you” statements. Make sure you use feeling words only. “I feel sad” not “why do you make me so sad?”
• Stroking: find something genuinely positive to say to the other person. Something you like about them or a way you value the relationship. Frame their motives in a positive light. Use language and body language that are open, interested and receptive.  

Marriage is a Friendship

Ever been camping? You know you need to stock your fire with kindling and get those coals going strong rather than just pour gasoline on it to have it flame. Gasoline works of course, but when the fire dies down it will go out. When you stock those coals and take your time, those coals will usually last all night and be there in the morning to easily start the flame again. If you keep feeding the fire it can stay aflame even through a storm! This is the theme of our marriage retreat and so true about our relationships.

We tend our relationships well at the beginning; we go on dates and talk all night! Everything is exciting and new and worth the energy and time. Then distractions come in like kids, jobs, illnesses and we do longer make tending our fire a priority.

Happily married couples behave like friends and handle conflicts in positive ways.

Session 1 with Greg and Kathy Moore

Friendship

In our relationship conflict is healthy but we need to have a 5 to 1 ratio on positive and negative comments. If not you will become argumentative and withdrawn. It is the small things that are the blowing on the coals of the fire.

Magic 5 to 1 ratio Adapted from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman & SIlver.

• Show interest: Looking the spouse in the eye when they talk with nods and uh huhs. It’s acknowledgement.
• Be affectionate: subtle and quiet ways like touching, a pat, holding hands, touch feet while you read the paper at breakfast. Nothing even needs to be said. Of course words of affirmation are also ways of showing affection.
• Small acts of kindness: quick calls during the day, a note in their lunch box, helping with housework.
• Be appreciative: A small words of thanks for routine expectations like putting clothes away, complimenting spouse of something like they look nice today.
• Show your concern: Express concern for your spouses worry. It may not bother you, but you need to let them know you understand it effects them.
• Be accepting: Acknowledge that you hear what they are saying even if you do not agree. Summarizing what they say lets them know they were heard.
• Play and Joke around: playful teasing silliness when you know it is received as that. If you notice they don’t really appreciate your joke, that would be a sign not to do it.
• Share your joy: Let your partner know when you feel exceptionally good. That picks up the others spirit.
• EKG Eye contact, Kiss, Goodbye or greeting: Whenever you are parting or coming try to kiss and give them a second of your time.

John Gottman has been conducting marital therapy research for almost 30 years, and is a well-respected leader in the field. Based on this research and clinical testing of the theory, he and his wife Julie Schwartz-Gottman have developed a solid understanding of why some relationships last and why some do not, as well as an effective model for relationship therapy. The Gottmans have studied both the “masters and disasters” of marriage (as the absence of what makes for a good relationship may not necessarily be the same thing as what makes for a bad relationship), and offers that there are a number of myths about why relationships succeed or fail. – source

 Myth #1 Affairs cause divorces – Gottman reported that 20-25% of people in divorce mediation groups say an affair was areason the marriage ended, but the reason given by 80% is the deterioration of intimacy in the couple.

• While in the 1970′s men had (or at least reported having) more affairs across their lifetime than women, the numbers are now about equal; today 32% of men and 21% of women admit to sexual infidelity at some point during the marriage (Tafoya & Spitzberg, 2007).
• It is thought that the equalization of infidelity rates in men and women is largely due to women moving into the work force, and having greater access to partners and financial freedom to pursue other options if they are unhappy in the marriage.

Myth #2 Gender differences cause divorce – If this were so, the divorce rate would be 100% for heterosexual couples, and 0% for gay and lesbian couples. The whole “Men are from Mars: Women are from Venus” stereotype is based on outdated gender norms.

Myth #3 – Communication problems cause marital conflict – Actually, distressed people communicate quite clearly what they feel and mean. The Gottman’s note that you can’t really teach people to never disagree or argue, as all couples disagree and argue at some time. Rather, what is important is what they do about it, how they reach some kind of agreement afterward, and how they handle the emotions stirred by conflict. While the Gottman’s offer that men are somewhat more likely to engage in some processes of emotional shutdown (flooding), and that women are somewhat more likely to begin sensitive discussions in harsh ways (nagging), both men and women engage in both processes.

Myth #4 No quid pro quo makes for an unsuccessful marriage – The idea is that doing good things for your partner is contractual on getting good things back; if you do this for me, I’ll do this for you, but if you don’t do this for me, I won’t do this for you. The Gottmans’ research shows this is not the case for unhappy couples (“disasters”), but neither is it true for happy couples (“masters”). This makes sense when you think about… Quid pro quo reasoning is good for legal contracts, but not for relationship contracts. The goal of American marriage is love, and so having your partner do things for you because they get things from you doesn’t really make you feel loved.

So what IS true?

Truth: When it comes to arguments, it’s more your match than your style – The Gottman’s found that the conflict style of the partners (attackers, soothers, avoiders) matters less than thematch between the couple:

• soothers overwhelm avoiders, and you get the distancer-pursuer dynamic where the first chases the second seeking some reaction while the second avoids the first to avoid being hounded
• soothers and attackers have little ability to influence each other, little positive sentiment, and a great deal of emotional tension
• avoiders and attackers are the worst pairing, showing severe distancer-pursuer patterns

Truth: Most problematic issues are not solved, but managed – The Gottmans’ found that masters and disasters in marriage both faced chronic problems. The difference was that masters tended to find a way to deal with them to keep them in check, while disasters tended to constantly fight and feel gridlocked around what to do.

Positive Sentiment Override

Make your marriage a priority. A way to make sure that happens in using positive sentiment override. In Positive Sentiment Override (PSO), positive comments and behaviors outweigh negative ones about 20:1. This means that there is a positive filter that alters how couples remember past events and view new issues. Just because your spouse did something negative in your eyes that should not effect how you view their character. The smalls things they do that impress you go straight to their quality and character. This feels like grace to me.  PSO is built on a few basic processes:

• An intact Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other. Remember Oprah’s idea of a “thankfulness log,” or a daily list of things you appreciate and are thankful for? This is how it helps marriages.
• Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner’s world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times. Have you ever seen those marriage quizzes that ask things like, “True or False: I know what my partner wants to be doing in five years” or, “True or False: I know my partner’s most painful childhood memory”? These are the kinds of things that people know about their partners when they have well-defined Love Maps.

An absence of serious conflict, marked by

• Softened Startups, or tactful ways to bring up a problem
• soothed Physiology during the argument so no one gets “emotionally overheated,”
• Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women)
• Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there’s about one effort every three minutes for most couples)
• De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise
• Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned
• lack of Gridlock on problem issues by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner’s needs

A point Greg and Kathy made is we can grow our marriage by growing together as soul mates. Studying the bible together and studying marriage together. Growing in faith and knowledge together could be an amazing journey and that you did it together makes it even more amazing!

We also need to develop a sense of “we.” When we get married we become one, which means we would do things together. Read a book together. Do activities that your spouse likes that you think you may not, you may be surprised that you actually enjoy them to. Or even just seeing how happy it makes your spouse is enough to do it again.  Make decisions together and goals. Develop a shared vision for your future. When one person is left out of the decisions that can make them feel unimportant and cause them to look for that value somewhere else.

Acts 2

The descent of the Holy Spirit at the day of Pentecost. (1-4)

This section is all so full of content! I could probably research and write pages on just this.

• Timing: Pentecost; a time where they came together to study the Word.
• Location: Jerusalem; Jesus previously in Acts 1 told them to stay there and wait for the Holy Spirit.

² Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. ³ They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. ⁴ All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues^[a] as the Spirit enabled them.

Why violent wind?!?!

This was to signify the powerful influences and working of the Spirit of God upon the minds of men, and thereby upon the world. Thus the convictions of the Spirit make way for his comforts; and the rough blasts of that blessed wind, prepare the soul for its soft and gentle gales. There was an appearance of something like flaming fire, lighting on every one of them, according to John Baptist’s saying concerning Christ; He shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire. The Spirit, like fire, melts the heart, burns up the dross, and kindles pious and devout affections in the soul; in which, as in the fire on the altar, the spiritual sacrifices are offered up. – Matthew Henry’s Commentary

What is speaking in tongues?

 Speaking in tongues is the New Testament phenomena where a person speaks in a language that is unknown to him.  This language is either the language of angels or other earthly languages (1 Cor. 13:1).  It occurred in Acts 2 at Pentecost and also in the Corinthian church as is described in 1 Corinthians 14.  This New Testament gift was given by the Holy Spirit to the Christian church and is for the purpose of the edification of the Body of Christ as well as for glorifying the Lord. …But there is an important point worth making here.  Some churches erringly maintain that you must speak in tongues in order to be saved.  This is a grave mistake since not all people speak in tongues because not all people are gifted by the Holy Spirit this way.- Matt Slick

The apostles speak in divers languages. (5-13) Peter’s address to the Jews. (14-36)

⁸ Then how is it that each of us hears them in our native language? …. ¹⁴ Then Peter stood up with the Eleven, raised his voice and addressed the crowd: “Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, let me explain this to you; listen carefully to what I say.

I think it is funny; Peter says its only 9am these people are not drunk!

Christ’s scholars never learn above their Bible; and the Spirit is given, not to do away the Scriptures, but to enable us to understand, approve, and obey them. Matthew Henry’s Commentary

Peter spoke about all God had done, and the Jesus was the one set apart and now we are to be that set apart person.

From the first delivery of that Divine message, it appeared that there was Divine power going with it; and thousands were brought to the obedience of faith. But neither Peter’s words, nor the miracle they witnessed, could have produced such effects, had not the Holy Spirit been given. Sinners, when their eyes are opened, cannot but be pricked to the heart for sin, cannot but feel an inward uneasiness. The apostle exhorted them to repent of their sins, and openly to avow their belief in Jesus as the Messiah, by being baptized in his name. Matthew Henry’s Commentary

 ⁴⁰ With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, “Save yourselves from this corrupt generation.” ⁴¹ Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day.

⁴⁴ All the believers were together and had everything in common.⁴⁵ They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. ⁴⁶ Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, ⁴⁷ praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

Could you imagine a world like this?!?!?! I would LOVE it! It would make other nervous I could imagine.   The greatness of the event raised them above the world, and the Holy Ghost filled them with such love, as made every one to be to another as to himself, and so made all things common, not by destroying property, but doing away selfishness, and causing charity.

That sounds like heaven to me! I would give anything to help another while my husband and family would think I am dumb. They will just spend it on booze I hear a lot. It is not up to me to judge what they do with the help that I give; it is up to me to give that help that Jesus gave us!

Chapter 16: Happy Anniversary

Making Marriage Last For a Lifetime

The truth is; we are all a mess! We know we are nowhere near deserving of all that God has gifted us with – be it His Son, Jesus Christ, who died on behalf of our sins, or our husband, who loves us in and through the marriage commitment he made to us years ago.  God and our husbands’ love us through all our mess!

We need to take a closer look into God’s idea of Love… specifically unconditional love. Because being married means you have someone who loves you no matter how weird or wonderful you are 0 it’s about your husband being there, come what may. Unconditional love has given us the opportunity to be wholly real and wholly loved.

God intends for us to love. It’s the unselfish love mentioned in

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This is the kind of love that never gives up!! The kind of love that breeds hope – the hope it takes for any married couple to weather the years with a commitment that “endures through every circumstance.”

Chapter 15: The FOO Fandango

Creating Healthy Boundaries with Your Extended Families.

Susie talked about how everyone loves ballroom dancing, she thinks an even more alluring dance is a dance performed by married couples. She relates this dance to being played out in the context off extended family relationships. I thought to myself…what??

Author Martha Beck identified as the FOO (Family Of Origin) Fandango. The FOO Fandango is determined by how a person’s family of origin has impacted his or her life and continues to impact his or her current non-FOO personal relationships.

We need to understand our FOO history because it affects how we operate in our current family setting. The fact is that much of our current behavior has been influenced by an early childhood desire to fit in. As children, we attempted to fall into step with our family around us, which in essence created a behavior dance that we brought into our adult lives.

Chapter 14: Catering to the Kids.

Catering to the Kids

Keeping the Little Ones From Taking Too Big a Space.

What we do for our kids.

There is nothing wrong, in fact it is very good that we tend on our children when they need us. As moms we feel that is EVERY second of the day… how could they not need us, we need them!! Or at least I do… Susie wrote on how she was trying to finish this book but the end of the year and very close to deadline, her son called to check in from college…. she said he sounded strange. He called way earlier than he was usually up, she was right he was sick and vomiting.  HEaring his tired voice made her feel disheartened. And to top it off it was his birthday!! Being a mother we imagine him sad, sick, and alone in his dorm room on his birthday and it tears our hearts up. She decided to drive out to see him… wouldn’t you?!!? He was only two hours away! She had to finish her work.. but her “baby” needed her!! Doesn’t every mom feel this!? Of course her son says mom I am ok I will call you if I need anything.

So Susie settled back into working determined to make her deadline. But of course her son was on her min. “He may call back!” So she got some coffee and kept the phone close by trying to work. She heard someone coming in through the garage… wasn’t expecting anyone…  It was her husband stopping by for a little husband and wife time!  Susie thought to herself how selfish! doesn’t her know how much I have on my plate!?  She felt the irritation and anger; then remember she was “on call” for her sick 20 year old baby.   Through these quick moments she realized how quickly and carelessly she had put her child’s needs over those of her husband.

Chapter 13: Money Mayhem

Section Four

Friendly Fire

In marriage we often experience a type of friendly fire they very things that are there to bless a marriage can sometimes tear it apart. Things like the kids. Or a house. Or money. And even extended family. Those blessings in life can become warped, and instead of supporting the marriage, they attack it. They are positioned in a place that drains the marriage instead of replenishing it.

This section will uncover the ways that the “friendlies” in our life erroneously fire on our marriage.

Live Laugh Love

 

 

Live Laugh Love

You are strong. . . when you take your

grief and teach it to smile.

You are brave. . . when you overcome your

fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy. . . when you see a flower

and are thankful for the blessing.

You are loving. . . when your own pain

does not blind you to the pain of others.

You are wise. . . when you

know the limits of your wisdom.

You are true. . . when you admit

there are times you fool yourself.

You are alive. . . when tomorrow’s hope means

more to you than yesterday’s mistake.

You are growing. . . when you know what

you are but not what you will become.

You are free. . . when you are in control of

yourself and do not wish to control others.

You are honorable. . . when you find

your honor is to honor others.

You are humble. . . when you

do not know how humble you are.

You are thoughtful. . . when you see me

just as I am and treat me just as you are.

You are merciful. . . when you forgive in

others the faults you condemn in yourself.

You are beautiful. . . when you

don’t need a mirror to tell you.

You are rich. . . when you never

need more than what you have.

You are you. . . when you are

at peace with who you are not….

via Facebook (1).

Chapter 11: Languishing Lovers

Languishing Lovers

When an Uninspiring Marriage Might Signal a Needed Career Change.

In the intro to this chapter Susie talks about a Forbes.com article saying not to marry a career woman; than she will more likely grow dissatisfied with her husband…..Dual career or not, I think many wives struggle with growing dissatisfied with their husbands.  Some may feel the love is lost from their marriage. Sometimes love seems to have grown cold. – or wives get bored or distracted – and many lose the passionate affection that they once felt their husbands. Although a career girl is not necessarily more likely; a career can get in the way of loving a man; but so can the kids, the house, and a crazy schedule!