Session 1 Friendship *
Session 2 with Greg and Kathy Moore
Communication and Conflict Resolution
Last session we learned about our marriage is a friendship and we need to make our relationship a priority. This session we learn that conflict is not always bad in your relationship as long as you are responding instead of that quick reaction that tends to lead to a fight. Being friends in the midst of an argument may cause to be a skill some do not have.
Obstacles to effective Communication – reacting instead of responding
When we get conflict presented to us, most of our first response is …well you did blank… passing the blame off of you instead of really listening to what the person with the problem is saying. There are many other obstacles we deal with when a conflict arises. Here are a few more.
- Harsh Start ups vs Soft Start Ups: Soft start-ups being with something positive, express gratitude and start with the word “I” instead of “You.” Complaints are presented in a hopeful, helpful way so that problems can be resolved, not debated.
- Distractions: The televison, the interenet, children and other activites. When you are talking especially during a conflict you need to give them the respect they deserve and stop everything you are doing and listen to them.
- Stockpiling: this is kind of like vomiting all your problems and concerns on your spouse in one quick moment. Past hurts and unresolved problems are heaped on the current issue. Adding on many unresolved issues from the past will get the discussion off track and nothing will get resolved.
- Hot Buttons from previous events, families of origin, previous relationships, temperaments.
- Different styles of communication: Dr. Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Dr. John Gottman can predict with 96% accuracy within the first three minutes of a couple having a conversation whether the relationship he is watching will survive over the long-haul or not. He bases his predictions on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms: (1) harsh startup, (2) the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, (3) flooding, and (4) body language.
The Four Horsemen are a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship.
The first horseman in a relationship is criticism. Criticizing our partner is different than offering a critique or having a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former attacks our partner at the core. In effect, we are dismantling his or her whole being when we criticize.
Example: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other” is a complaint. “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful; you just don’t think about me” is a criticism.
The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate from this state, we are being mean, treating others with disrespect by using sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The partner feels despised and worthless. Contempt is toxic and cannot be replaced with anything. It must be eliminated.
- Insults and name-calling.
- Hostile Humor – using contemptuous jokes or stories.
- Mockery – the subtle put-down.
- Negative Body Language such as sneering and rolling your eyes.
The third horseman is defensiveness. This is an easy one to fall into. We feel accused of something and think that, if we tell our partner our excuse for doing what we did, he or she will back off. But the excuse just tells our partner that we haven’t considered anything he or she has said. Basically, by defending ourselves we are ignoring our partner.
- Denying responsibility
- Blaming: We tend to blame ourselves or our spouse. This blame game doesn’t fix the problems, just makes excuses for the conflict. Put the blaming aside and fix the real problem.
- Making excuses
- Mind Reading: Mind-reading shows up when one person says they know what you’re thinking. If you start to argue about what they think you’re thinking, the whole thing spirals out of control. “You think I’m lying. Well… I’m not.” They may not be thinking that at all. This can also go both ways with you thinking you know what they think or that they would know what you want without telling them.
- Cross-complaining: meet partner’s complaint with one of your own, ignoring what your partner said.
- rubberman/rubberwoman: defend self from attack and attack partner back.
- yes-butting
- repeating yourself: repeat your own position rather than trying to understand your partner.
- whining: high pitched nasal tone.
- body language: arms folded across chest. Touching the neck
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. We stop responding even defensively. Often the stonewaller thinks they are trying to be neutral. This is the most damaging of the horsemen.
- Turning out: Making sure we do not make eye contact or connect with the person.
- Being busy: When we start doing something else while the conversation is in swing. Like cleaning is typical for woman I think. Or watching tv for men. Anything to not have to listen to them anymore.
- Leave the room: Some people just need to get away or process the information coming at them so they do not blow up or flood.
EAR
Essentials of Good Communication
- Empathy: try to see the other person’s eyes. Find some truth i what they other person said, acknowledge what they are thinking and what he might be feeling.
- Assertiveness: express your feelings directly using, “I feel” statements that are tactful.
- Respect: an attitude of kindess and caring that values the other person.
The Five Secrets of Effective Communication
- Disarming Technique: is to find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair.
- Empathy: Thought empathy is to paraphrase the other person’s words. Feel empathy by acknowledging how the other person is probably feeling,
- Inquiry: ask gentle questions to learn more about what the person is thinking and feeling; such as Tell me more or Did I get that right? after you paraphrase.
- “I feel” Statements: instead of “you” statements. Make sure you use feeling words only. “I feel sad” not “why do you make me so sad?”
- Stroking: find something genuinely positive to say to the other person. Something you like about them or a way you value the relationship. Frame their motives in a positive light. Use language and body language that are open, interested and receptive.
Extraordinary Jeni 