Role Reversal Cont. W2D5

A Resolution to be Champion Biblical Femininity

Day 5

Role Reversal Continued.

Women have taken over the authority of men; men have passively neglected their roles as leaders. The result has been broken families, unstable homes, unhealthy dynamics, and derailed legacies. Marriages have cratered.

Only by surrendering to God’s design for womanhood will we as women experience the liberation we are trying so desperately to recover elsewhere.

What reasons do you think woman are so leery about submitting? 

Those loss of power or control. 

The stronger; more ambitious, and more independently capable you are; the more inclined you may be to shudder at the thought of submission.

Define submission in your own words. Pg. 46

descion to yield to people, precepts, and principles that have been placed in our lives as authorities. 

Some have abused it. So have misapplied the concept, allowing husbands to be domineering and their wives doormats. 

Have you been treated as a doormat in the past? 

I have been used many times, but I have allowed it so that is my fault. 

Not all leaders live their responsibilities well. Perhaps, if you’re married, your husband doesn’t.

Is there someone close to you that is not doing their best, and in turn is effecting you and your family?

All of my sbilings. The constant fighting challenging each other and using each other is hurting our family. 

Your husband, like any leader in God’s created order, will be held accountable for how wisely, how carefully, how devotedly, how biblically he has handled his role. 

So will you!

How content are you with the work you are doing in your God assigned role?

hmmm I feel I am on the right track. Staying in the Word, showing my children by example how to be a good person and love God. 

This is certainly not to say that you must submit to anyone who leads you into sin or is abusive toward you. If you are married where your conscience and physical safety are under threat, the duty of submission doe not call you to endure any demand without question.

Are you offended at the thought of yielding to the authority of another?

When they are “unworthy” I do have that problem. Especially with my bosses in the past. 

Conflict Resolution

Session 1 Friendship * Session 2 Communication

Session 2 Greg & Kathy Moore

Conflict Resolution

• Conflict is not a bad thing. Conflict is neutral; we can use it to do good, we can use it to harm eachother. Conflict handled well actually can promote intimacy. When we work to avoid conflict and keep the peace at all costs, the cost is often a lack of authenticity, which leads to a lack of closeness.
• Commit to deal with your difference with appreciation and grace. In working together, you can create a solution or make a discussion that is better than either one of your would have come up with on your own.
• Refuse to see the difference as right or wrong.
• The differences are a gift and part of God’s plan for you – they reveal and change our hearts.
• Change begins when we see differences as grace rather than obstructions of grace.
• Externalize the problem. The problem is the problem, you are a team working to solve the problem. Remember the other person is not the problem and nether are you. The problem is the problem.
• Slow to anger.

Discuss conflicts in a constructive way

• Use reflective listening to make sure you are both heard.

1. State the issue
2. Make three statements: I think, I feel, I want
3. The other person listens, repeats, then asks, did I get that right?
4. Now the other person has a turn being the speaker
5. Look for what your partner says that you can agree with – there’s usually something.
6. Only move to problem solving after you both feel understood
7. Then develop possible solution to try.

• Benefits of slowing down the conversation

1. More response, less reaction.
2. Sometimes just having our point of view heart is enough to prevent conflict.
3. Active listening prevents us from using that time to plan our response
4. Make the other person feel cared for.

It is both common and normal for couples to have disagreements or conflicts. The important factor is how constructively couples resolve their differences, either by instituting mutually acceptable behavior changes or by deciding that aspects of their differences are unchangeable but acceptable.

In distressed relationships, there tends to be a gender difference in the ways that partners deal with relationship conflict: women more commonly engage their partners with verbally demanding behavior when conflict occurs, whereas men more commonly avoid their partners or withdraw when conflict occurs

Normally, when you encounter a stressful and threatening situation, your body reacts in a way that helps you to deal with the danger. Your body temporarily shuts down non-essential systems, channels blood flow to your large muscles, creates extra fuel for energy, heightens your sensitivity to signs of danger and releases hormones that help you deal with stress.

Normally, this “fight-or-flight” response works well when we have to fight off an attacker, escape from a burning house, or perform a miraculous feat of strength. The problem is that it also impairs our ability to process information and to think clearly before we speak—exactly the abilities we need to have in order to work through difficult areas of disagreement with our spouse.

John Gottman has a vivid word for this physiological “fight-or-flight” reaction. He calls it “flooding.” Flooding occurs when you and your spouse get into hostile arguments where the Four Horseman (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) are allowed free reign in your relationship.

When we become flooded, we operate mainly from a self-preservation mindset. We seek mainly to protect ourselves from the turmoil of an escalating argument, either by becoming aggressive (verbally or physically) or by trying to get away.

 Some signs that you may be flooding:

• Raised Voice
• Fast breathing
• Tight chest or stomach
• Rapid heart beat
• Clenched fists

What is the big deal about flooding? Why is in not helpful?  In distressed marriages, we commonly find habitual harsh startups by the wife combined with frequent flooding and subsequent stonewalling by the husband. It becomes a cycle because the more the husband withdraws and avoids his wife, the more frustrated and resentful she becomes.

Sometimes; usually the male will require a time out. Not to run away from the situation, but to calm themselves.

• Person flooding calls a time out.
• Have thought through methods of calming down ahead of time; reading, listening to music, praying, a hot bath, a walk around the block.
• Set a time to reconnect, usually only 20 minutes is enough for stress hormones to quit impacting your thinking. Life may have continued such as kids got home from school, just make sure you do not just let it go. The problems needs to be readdressed.
• The person who called the time out is responsible for reinitiating the conversation. Its not up to the other person to say for example are you calm and ready to talk about this!? This would often bring that anger right back.
• May not be used to avoid or stonewall.
• Time out can also be used if situations change like kids coming home from school but always try to suggest a time that would be better like after they go to bed.

60% of conflicts are not resolvable, because they represent deeply held values or dreams. Take this in account when going to battle. Think how much something could mean to your spouse. Is it really worth us causing a stink? Could we let this one go? Make sure we aren’t always taking the bad deal we will become resentful, but there are many times when compromise and taking one for the team is necessary.

• Learn the art of compromise. Adopt a mindset that each of you have dreams and interests that need to be honored. You can find creative win-win solutions if you stop allowing your fear to be your dominant motivator. I know what some people might be thinking: “I’m not afraid. I’m just mad.” But if you really stop and think about it, fear is usually at the root of what keeps people from moving out of their polarized positions—fear of losing face, fear of losing self, fear of beng used, fear of getting hurt, etc.
• Learn to accept your differences and not be threatened by them. A good deal of your conflicts may arise because of how you view your differences. Conflicts rooted in personality and life experiences are not likely to go away anytime soon. It is best to learn to accept each other and focus on positives and strengths than to be pre-occupied over annoying habits or dissimilar interests.
• Make requests instead of demands. Requests are respectful and open the floor for discussion. Demands will usually just intensify a power struggle.
• Begin to recognize the vicious cycle that you both co-create and take ownership of your part in that cycle. Change the cycle by interrupting it, that is, by not giving your usual response, or by stepping back and doing something different. Often this is the very opposite of what you feel like doing in the moment.

Brainstorming Technique

• Define the problem
• Each identify how they contribute to the problem
• Brainstorm potential solutions without criticizing or editing their ideas.
• Discuss possible solutions and agree on one or more to experiment with
• Reevaluate and decide if another solution should be tried.

Scripture to help

James 1:19-20.

Listening and Doing

 ¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Proverbs 12:16

¹⁶ Fools show their annoyance at once, 
   but the prudent overlook an insult.

Proverbs 15:4

 ⁴ The soothing tongue is a tree of life, 
   but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

Marriage is a Friendship

Ever been camping? You know you need to stock your fire with kindling and get those coals going strong rather than just pour gasoline on it to have it flame. Gasoline works of course, but when the fire dies down it will go out. When you stock those coals and take your time, those coals will usually last all night and be there in the morning to easily start the flame again. If you keep feeding the fire it can stay aflame even through a storm! This is the theme of our marriage retreat and so true about our relationships.

We tend our relationships well at the beginning; we go on dates and talk all night! Everything is exciting and new and worth the energy and time. Then distractions come in like kids, jobs, illnesses and we do longer make tending our fire a priority.

Happily married couples behave like friends and handle conflicts in positive ways.

Session 1 with Greg and Kathy Moore

Friendship

In our relationship conflict is healthy but we need to have a 5 to 1 ratio on positive and negative comments. If not you will become argumentative and withdrawn. It is the small things that are the blowing on the coals of the fire.

Magic 5 to 1 ratio Adapted from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman & SIlver.

• Show interest: Looking the spouse in the eye when they talk with nods and uh huhs. It’s acknowledgement.
• Be affectionate: subtle and quiet ways like touching, a pat, holding hands, touch feet while you read the paper at breakfast. Nothing even needs to be said. Of course words of affirmation are also ways of showing affection.
• Small acts of kindness: quick calls during the day, a note in their lunch box, helping with housework.
• Be appreciative: A small words of thanks for routine expectations like putting clothes away, complimenting spouse of something like they look nice today.
• Show your concern: Express concern for your spouses worry. It may not bother you, but you need to let them know you understand it effects them.
• Be accepting: Acknowledge that you hear what they are saying even if you do not agree. Summarizing what they say lets them know they were heard.
• Play and Joke around: playful teasing silliness when you know it is received as that. If you notice they don’t really appreciate your joke, that would be a sign not to do it.
• Share your joy: Let your partner know when you feel exceptionally good. That picks up the others spirit.
• EKG Eye contact, Kiss, Goodbye or greeting: Whenever you are parting or coming try to kiss and give them a second of your time.

John Gottman has been conducting marital therapy research for almost 30 years, and is a well-respected leader in the field. Based on this research and clinical testing of the theory, he and his wife Julie Schwartz-Gottman have developed a solid understanding of why some relationships last and why some do not, as well as an effective model for relationship therapy. The Gottmans have studied both the “masters and disasters” of marriage (as the absence of what makes for a good relationship may not necessarily be the same thing as what makes for a bad relationship), and offers that there are a number of myths about why relationships succeed or fail. – source

 Myth #1 Affairs cause divorces – Gottman reported that 20-25% of people in divorce mediation groups say an affair was areason the marriage ended, but the reason given by 80% is the deterioration of intimacy in the couple.

• While in the 1970′s men had (or at least reported having) more affairs across their lifetime than women, the numbers are now about equal; today 32% of men and 21% of women admit to sexual infidelity at some point during the marriage (Tafoya & Spitzberg, 2007).
• It is thought that the equalization of infidelity rates in men and women is largely due to women moving into the work force, and having greater access to partners and financial freedom to pursue other options if they are unhappy in the marriage.

Myth #2 Gender differences cause divorce – If this were so, the divorce rate would be 100% for heterosexual couples, and 0% for gay and lesbian couples. The whole “Men are from Mars: Women are from Venus” stereotype is based on outdated gender norms.

Myth #3 – Communication problems cause marital conflict – Actually, distressed people communicate quite clearly what they feel and mean. The Gottman’s note that you can’t really teach people to never disagree or argue, as all couples disagree and argue at some time. Rather, what is important is what they do about it, how they reach some kind of agreement afterward, and how they handle the emotions stirred by conflict. While the Gottman’s offer that men are somewhat more likely to engage in some processes of emotional shutdown (flooding), and that women are somewhat more likely to begin sensitive discussions in harsh ways (nagging), both men and women engage in both processes.

Myth #4 No quid pro quo makes for an unsuccessful marriage – The idea is that doing good things for your partner is contractual on getting good things back; if you do this for me, I’ll do this for you, but if you don’t do this for me, I won’t do this for you. The Gottmans’ research shows this is not the case for unhappy couples (“disasters”), but neither is it true for happy couples (“masters”). This makes sense when you think about… Quid pro quo reasoning is good for legal contracts, but not for relationship contracts. The goal of American marriage is love, and so having your partner do things for you because they get things from you doesn’t really make you feel loved.

So what IS true?

Truth: When it comes to arguments, it’s more your match than your style – The Gottman’s found that the conflict style of the partners (attackers, soothers, avoiders) matters less than thematch between the couple:

• soothers overwhelm avoiders, and you get the distancer-pursuer dynamic where the first chases the second seeking some reaction while the second avoids the first to avoid being hounded
• soothers and attackers have little ability to influence each other, little positive sentiment, and a great deal of emotional tension
• avoiders and attackers are the worst pairing, showing severe distancer-pursuer patterns

Truth: Most problematic issues are not solved, but managed – The Gottmans’ found that masters and disasters in marriage both faced chronic problems. The difference was that masters tended to find a way to deal with them to keep them in check, while disasters tended to constantly fight and feel gridlocked around what to do.

Positive Sentiment Override

Make your marriage a priority. A way to make sure that happens in using positive sentiment override. In Positive Sentiment Override (PSO), positive comments and behaviors outweigh negative ones about 20:1. This means that there is a positive filter that alters how couples remember past events and view new issues. Just because your spouse did something negative in your eyes that should not effect how you view their character. The smalls things they do that impress you go straight to their quality and character. This feels like grace to me.  PSO is built on a few basic processes:

• An intact Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other. Remember Oprah’s idea of a “thankfulness log,” or a daily list of things you appreciate and are thankful for? This is how it helps marriages.
• Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner’s world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times. Have you ever seen those marriage quizzes that ask things like, “True or False: I know what my partner wants to be doing in five years” or, “True or False: I know my partner’s most painful childhood memory”? These are the kinds of things that people know about their partners when they have well-defined Love Maps.

An absence of serious conflict, marked by

• Softened Startups, or tactful ways to bring up a problem
• soothed Physiology during the argument so no one gets “emotionally overheated,”
• Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women)
• Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there’s about one effort every three minutes for most couples)
• De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise
• Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned
• lack of Gridlock on problem issues by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner’s needs

A point Greg and Kathy made is we can grow our marriage by growing together as soul mates. Studying the bible together and studying marriage together. Growing in faith and knowledge together could be an amazing journey and that you did it together makes it even more amazing!

We also need to develop a sense of “we.” When we get married we become one, which means we would do things together. Read a book together. Do activities that your spouse likes that you think you may not, you may be surprised that you actually enjoy them to. Or even just seeing how happy it makes your spouse is enough to do it again.  Make decisions together and goals. Develop a shared vision for your future. When one person is left out of the decisions that can make them feel unimportant and cause them to look for that value somewhere else.