Here are some reasons we may stuff.
- I don’t feel safe enough to comfort this person.
- I don’t have the energy or time to get into a conflict right now.
- I don’t know how to address the issues.
- I don’t want to see hypersensitive.
- I don’t want to get rejected.
- I don’t want to loose control.
- I don’t want to make things worse, so I convince myself I can just let it go.
We also feel sometimes its a godly thing to do. Be the better person and let it go.
Proverbs 10:19 (NLT)
19 Too much talk leads to sin.
Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.
Proverbs 15:18 (NLT)
18 A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.
I want to be the peacekeeper. The one to end the fight before it begins. I CAN do that, but without holding bitterness is the problem. That’s the difference between healthy processing and stuffing. We need to work throughout these problems and diffuse the hurt. How can we do that?
- Prayer
- Studying the Bible
- Talking to a counselor or mentor
- Give it time then possibly see it’s not such a big deal.
The Stuffer Who Builds Barriers
Who hasn’t tried to keep the peace by avoiding confrontation and pretending everything is ok!? As we stuff these emotions down its like one more brick on this giant barrier. Barriers shut down communication. When you determine that other people aren’t safe you label them without them every knowing it. So every time you see them, you see the label, and the can be very confusing for the other person unaware of these labels. They may know something is wrong with you but no clue what.
Barriers or Boundaries?
Boundaries are simply clearly stated parameters that provide a safe structure for communication and the health of a relationship. The difference between barriers ad boundaries is honest transparency. Barriers are scared, boundaries are brave!
What do I really want?
When a situation comes about we need to:
- stop and ask ourselves what do we want in this situation?
- Then determine how realistic or unrealistic that want is
Impossible People
We know all things are possible with God. But all things are not possible with people who refuse to be led by the Holy Spirit. Some people you just think confronting them will make things worse and have to back away. But we don’t want to stuff those feelings and feel bitter, So how do we back away and not stuff?
We acknowledge that we can only control ourself. We cannot control anyone else. Shift this focus from trying to fix them and the situation to allowing God to reveal some tender truth to us.
My job isn’t to fix the difficult people in my life or enable them to continue disrespectful or abusive behaviors. My job is to be obedient to God in the way I act and respond to those people.
We have to focus on us. We have to get better and take the necessary steps to keep our soul integrity intact. We have to pursue being the person God wants us to be regardless of how other people react.
The stuffer who collects Retaliation Rocks
Lysa talked about 9/11 and that she’d been fighting with her husband. That what if that was their last day and this stuffer conversation had been the last thing she said to him? It was a perspective changing day.
I Love my husband and I love keeping the peace between us. But I feel so safe with my husband that I’ll act out in ways with him I wouldn’t dare act with others.
We collect these rocks for every action they do that annoys us. One day those rocks will erupt! True peacekeeping isn’t about stopping the emotion. It’s about properly processing the emotions before they get stuffed and become toxic.
Processing Questions
Perspective helps process these problems. Ask yourself if this fight is even worth it. What about the situations that keep repeating themselves? Every situation is different but start by asking yourself Am I trying to prove or improve?
When we are trying to prove we are right we will often use our retaliation rocks. Giving them examples of why they are wrong and we are right. On the other hand, when our desire is to improve the relationship, we seek to understand where the other person is coming from and care enough about the relationship to fight for it rather than against it. Tackle the issues, not the person.
Dealing with Unrealistic Expectations
We can come unglued and stuff hurtful thought all day long around this issue of relationship expectations. Retaliation rocks coated with unmet expectations. Unrealistic Expectations! Try this!! Make a list of those close to you and the expectations you place on them; especially if you have your own storage unit of retaliation rocks for them specifically. Then prayerfully discern whether they are realistic or unrealistic.
Unrealistic Expectations are things the person isn’t able or willing to do for us. Let go of these. God can work on that person or change us by rearranging our desires.
Realistic Expectations are things we can reasonably expect other people to do for us. We need to figure out how we can communicate these expectations with gentleness and in the right timing.
Feelings
Whether you are dealing with exploding or stuffing, it all comes back to the raw emotions we’re feeling in the moment. It is good to feel. Feelings are indicators, and its good to honestly access what we’re feeling and why. We need to keep a gauge on our hearts so we can process, clarify. and understand our lives and relationships more deeply. We also have a mind. A mind made for truth to reign supreme and to keep my heart in check. We are children of God made to walk in truth with soul integrity.
Extraordinary Jeni 