Love & Respect
by: Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Why do we hear more about love in marriage than respect?
Research shows that women are more expressive in marriage. In this culture, a love dominated society, a woman tends to talk far more about her need for love than her husband talks about his need for respect. We need to think biblically not just culturally. Though Paul penned the Love chapter (1 Corinthians 13) and Peter walked with the Lord of Love for three years, nether command a wife to agape love. (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33) Both Peter and Paul reveal that the secret for a wife is to show unconditional respect. (1 Peter 3:1-2) Unconditional respect is as powerful to a husband as unconditional love is to a wife. This truth needs to be put back on the marital radar screen.
The misunderstanding about respect
We all need love and respect. This is a continuum. A wife, though leans toward love and a husband toward respect.
Isnt it agreed that love is the more important ingredient and respect is only marginal?
What one deeply believes will affect the way one interprets life. Her pink lenses see love and his blue lenses see respect. Not wrong, just different. A wise person sees the differences.
Don’t some wives feel uncomfortable showing respect to a husband?
Some contend showing respect males a husband superior and a wife inferior.
The Bible is clear; in the eyes of God a husband and wife are equal. As for a wife’s feelings of discomfort, a wife need not feel respect in order to show respect. And, showing respect does not mean giving a husband license to do whatever he desires. Peter, who teaches unconditional respect, watched the wife of Ananias – her name was Sapphira — drop dead because she went along with her husband in lying to God (Acts 5:1-11) A wife needs to respectfully take a stand.
“My spouse must move first!” If each obstinately refuses to budge until the other changes will the crazy cycle ever end?!
What if a husband doesn’t deserve respect?
Hosea the prophet was to win his adulterous wife by loving her. She was not lovable, nor deserving. But she needed love that only her husband could give. Peter instructs wives to win a disobedient husband through respectful behavior. A disobedient husband is not respectful and DOES NOT DESERVE respect. But such a husband, like all husbands, needs respect that only his wife could give. However, the culture teaches that respect must be earned and whereas love is to be unconditional. Further, the culture has given a wife license to express, “I love him, but don’t respect him.” However this is equal to a husband saying “I respect her, but do not love her.”
I am sure no woman would want to hear that… I could see the fight now. “If you don’t love me why are you with me?!!!!”
We tend to get too defensive and thereby become offensive. Even if you are trying to offend your spouse you are coming across as offensive because you are offended.
Are you saying he needs unconditional respect equal to her need for unconditional love?
Like needing oxygen, she needs unconditional love and he needs unconditional respect.
How do I get my spouse to meet my needs?
She thinks her acts of love and respectful. He thinks his acts of respect are loving.
Ignorantly she said,. “You don’t deserve my respect.”
Ignorantly he said, “I don’t know if I ever loved you.”
Proverbs 12:18
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword,
But the tongue of the wise brings healing.
They don’t really mean these things they just don’t understand love and respect and how important they are to one another.
If goodwill exists, then most conflict is due to a misunderstanding of each spouse’s core value.
During moments of craziness, a wise person does not impugn motives. We two people give the benefit of teh doubt to the other, trusting each other’s good will wonderful things can happen.
God designed marital conflict
Paul wrote if two people marry they have not sinned but they will have trouble (1 Corinthians 7:28) God predicts trouble. God designed conflict and with that comes trouble and growth. No marriage is 100% perfect; this is an unrealistic expectation and in turn can poison the marriage.
When we feel ourselves getting angry at our spouse remember your spouse doesn’t make you mad. What happens during a fight and the phone rings… you hear the wife pick the phone up calmly and speak, put it down and continue fighting. We can make that choice to not be angry.
Love empowers a husband to energize his wife.
Respect empowers a wife to energize a husband.
The problems are not the problem the root issue is an unloving and disrespectful attitude.
What is a major mistake couples make?
That he can be unloving to get respect and she can be disrespectful to get love.
This will NEVER work. You will be boarding that crazy cycle. You will not get love by being disrespectful to your husband you will get stonewalled and he will shut down.
- The Crazy Cycle
- The Energizing Cycle
- The Reward Cycle
Where would you like to be?
Extraordinary Jeni 